Transformation takes Courage

I want to share about my life and so that means being courageous in public video'ing myself!

I have been working on becoming my true authentic Self for a few years now. It feels bittersweet that this journey coincided with the untimely death of my beloved husband, Andrew. Losing him was yet another pivotal loss in my life. First my mom in 2011, then my dad in 2018, and then my husband in January 2022. Most people would be swept away into the depths of grief and sink into a hole of despair. I was most people.

When I lost Andrew to a heart attack and stroke brought on by Covid complications, I felt exactly that way. I thought of all the things we were supposed to do. I grieved deeply for all of our plans, all the dreams we had built together, like finishing raising our kids side by side. Suddenly, I was left alone to carry on our business and raise our children, especially our fourteen year old at the time.

But something inside of me refused to let this be the end of my story. I knew I did not want to waste precious moments drowning in depression or wishing life were different. I felt a renewed sense of urgency to do all of the things I had been putting off. I could hear the message loud and clear: do not wait until retirement. Andrew had waited for “someday” and that someday never came. The thought of both of us missing out felt unbearable. It would be a disservice to his life and his memory if I let grief stop me from living fully.

So I made a decision. I would rise from that low place and choose to live every single day with as much joy and adventure as possible. I would go on the vacations, attend the concerts, try new hobbies, meet new people, and start the businesses I had always dreamed of. Why wait?

Over the past few years, I have poured my energy into reconnecting with my passions and hobbies. I decided that whenever I wanted to do something, I would simply do it. No more waiting, no more wishing. I just made it happen.

This approach has brought me so much joy and fulfillment that I often feel I am living for two. Just like when a woman is pregnant and lives with the awareness she is caring for two lives, I live as if Andrew is with me, experiencing everything through me. I believe we are still connected. He visits me in dreams with messages and encouragement. I choose to see all the abundance that has flowed into my life as orchestrated by him, like a guardian angel. I do not question whether it is true. I choose to believe it because it helps me thrive and feel blissful. Why wouldn’t I choose thoughts and stories that uplift me? Our thoughts create our emotions and our emotions shape the way we show up in the world.

This transformation has taken courage. I have felt the weight of judgment from people who think I did not seem sad long enough. But I have learned to honor my private grief. Those quiet moments are mine alone. I do not owe anyone proof of my pain.

It also takes courage to live the way I am now. I am currently experimenting with a new way of life: splitting my time between Utah, Sacramento, and my Eurovan. I am embracing this chapter of empty nesting as a rediscovery of who I am. I want to meet other people who share my values and beliefs. I want to change the narrative about how women can live on their own, unpartnered and no longer actively mothering children. There is beauty in this mystery and freedom in this stage of life. If you are reading this and entering this new phase of "empty nester", or loss of a partner, and want to change the narrative and find empowerment in this new chapter of your life, check out the group I am calling in!

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